


Why Floo Powder Should Never Be Used As A Wand Core...

by Taurwen13



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Explosions, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Gringotts Wizarding Bank, Hermione's Nook's Cards Against Muggles Crack Fest, Hogwarts, Hogwarts Library, Minor Seamus Finnigan/Dean Thomas, Wand Mishaps, accidental nakedness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:48:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23158072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Taurwen13/pseuds/Taurwen13
Summary: When Seamus finally makes an explosion big enough it destroys his wand, he's given a selection of loaners sent to the school for free from Ollivander's, the quality of some being...questionable at best. Finding only one that works, he's surprised to find its core is full of floo powder of all things. Hilarity ensues as the wand proves to have a few interesting quirks.Written for the Cards Against Muggles Crack Fest put on by Hermione's Nook on Facebook. My prompt was:Black Card: No unicorn hair here. My wand core is made of ____White Card: A fistful of floo powder
Comments: 10
Kudos: 24
Collections: Cards Against Muggles Crack Fest





	Why Floo Powder Should Never Be Used As A Wand Core...

It had finally happened. Seamus had caused a big enough explosion that it had destroyed his wand. After the issues Ron had endured their second year, the school had reached out to Ollivander to send them some of his wands that didn’t seem to be selling as well to have on hand for students that might need them.

He was now on his way to Professor McGonagall’s office to see about acquiring one of these loaner wands for the time being, hoping he could at least get another one with unicorn hair. He had grown accustomed to the consistency of it and hoped to have something just as reliable.

Knocking on the door to her office, it slowly opened to reveal his head of house and a selection of wands spread out across her desk.

“Ah, yes, Mister Finnegan. I received your note and collected these loaner wands from the headmaster’s office. I will admit I am a little concerned at the quality of these, especially with the usual craftsmanship of the Ollivander family, but the school can’t argue with the price. Please, feel free to begin testing these out.”

Seamus cautiously approached the desk as she gestured over the selection. Picking up the first wand he could feel nothing, not even an ounce of magic in it, almost as if it was nothing more than a mere stick. Grabbing the second one he felt a faint tingling in his fingers, but as he swished it nothing happened aside from him feeling a bit queasy. Dropping it quickly from his hand he took a moment for his stomach to settle before reaching for another. Wand after wand seemed to fail him in one way or another, and he could tell even Professor McGonagall was getting frustrated with the situation.

Finally, Seamus reached for the final one. He could feel a familiar crackling surge through his fingers as he slipped the slender wand into a firm grip. A quick swish produced the faint scent of gunpowder as green sparks shot out from the end. Professor McGonagall looked somehow both relieved and uneasy at this reaction.

A note of happiness was in his voice. “So what is this wand made of, Professor. Unicorn hair like my last one, right?”

Consulting the paper in front of her, he noticed her face drop before replying.

“Um, no, I’m afraid. There’s no unicorn hair wands on this list. Yours seems to be made of holly and, oh this has to be a mistake.”

She grabbed her half-moon spectacles and squinted at the paper before continuing. “It seems the core is a fist full of floo powder. Ah, yes, this was made by Garrick’s father. No wonder it never sold,” she muttered under her breath.

Seamus stared at her befuddled. “Excuse me, Professor. I think I must have misheard you. Did you just say floo powder was in this core?”

“Oh you heard me correct, Mister Finnegan. Though as none of the other wands seemed to do anything in your hands it would seem that you have no choice but to borrow this one until such a time as you can get another one on your own. I would expect that there could be some...interesting side effects with such a wand, but you will have to figure that out on your own. You are dismissed. I have some grading I need to finish tonight and you should probably get more acquainted with your new possession.”

Seamus needed no more encouragement to leave. He had always hated being in her office, and was soon back in his dorm.

“Did she fix you up with a new wand, mate? Let us see,” insisted Harry.

“Taking bets now - how long before he blows this one up?”

“Oh ha-ha, Ron. Very funny.” Seamus answered with an eye roll.

“Go on, Seamus. Have a go.”

The encouragement from Dean was all he needed. He smiled, took a steadying breath, and tried to cast Aguamenti.

Or at least that was what he had tried to do. He had been vaguely thinking about how he hoped he could create a flow to rival that of the dorm’s showers and the next thing he knew he was there, wand working perfectly at spraying water, all over a very naked and shocked Neville that appeared to have just finished showering.

“Um, hi, Seamus,” Neville managed to get out after a moment. “Sur-surprised to see you here all of a sudden.”

“Blimey, Neville. I don’t know what happened. One moment I was in the dorm trying out my new wand and then - hold up, let me dry you off a bit. _Tergio_!” he shouted as he pointed his wand at Neville; his mind still puzzling out how he had gotten there from his dorm room.

Suddenly, both he and Neville were back there. Neville was now dry but still very much naked. With a squeak, he dove for his bed and drew back the curtains as Ron tried poorly to stifle a laugh.

“Welcome back, then. Where on earth did you go?” Harry inquired.

“Well, I was thinking about the water pressure in the showers as I tried to use my wand earlier, and I must have been thinking of here when I tried to dry Neville back off-”

“Alright, that’s way more than enough of that story for me,” Ron insisted. “I’m heading down to dinner, anyone else want to join me?”

“Sure thing. We should probably give Neville a moment to recover alone. You coming Seamus?”

One look into Dean’s eyes as he was talking was more than enough for him to agree.

“Yeah, I’m kinda hungry. Let’s go.”

*****

Seamus spent most of the night trying to figure out how to get his new wand to work proper. _Maybe if I don’t think about any place,_ he thought, _the wand won’t be able to teleport_. Or at least he hoped as much. Surely someone couldn’t have made a wand that would be impossible to work correctly, right?

He had his chance to find out the next day in Charms. Professor Flitwick had them doing refilling charms on almost empty vats of water.

_I’d prefer to be refilling these with something else. Like whiskey. Or even rum._

His mind was soon wandering back to that day in the Great Hall he had attempted that useless spell to try and turn his water into alcohol. He chuckled at the memory before attempting his next cast, only remembering a moment too late not to let his thoughts drift.

Sure enough, Seamus found himself with a very full vat of water that promptly spilled all over the place in an almost empty Great Hall.

Almost empty, except for Professor McGonagall having a late breakfast.

“Mister Finnegan, shouldn’t you be in Charms?”

“Yes, Professor McGonagall.”

“Then I suggest you get there before I dock five points from Gryffindor.”

Slightly panicked at the thought of losing points, Seamus decided to attempt to try and use the wand itself to return to Charms class. He surmised that if thinking abscently about the Great Hall got him here, then doing the same for Professor Flitwick’s class should do the same.

Trying to focus on his professor and his classroom, Seamus cast his spell on the vat-

-and found himself suddenly falling onto the marble floor at Gringotts.

“Oi, you there, boy!” yelled a goblin at him from behind some scales. “What are you doing here? And how did you even get in?”

“Uh-uh-uh,” the poor boy stuttered. This was definitely not working the way he thought it would. And how the hell had he teleported out of Hogwarts?

Completely forgoing the vat, Seamus tried again to harness the unique talents of his wand.

“Come on,” he encouraged himself under his breath, “you can do this.”

Focusing everything he had on thinking about Hogwarts, he cast the first spell he could think of as he did.

“ _Bombarda!_ ”

Great. Of all the things he could have done, casting a freaking bomb in a bank was probably about the stupidest one. Hopefully when it made the front page of the Daily Prophet tomorrow he wouldn’t be identified.

As the smoke continued to swirl around him, the distinct chill of the Hogwarts dungeons set into his bones even as the spell’s heat continued to brush against his skin. He sighed with relief at being back at the castle until the stench of urine reached his nostrils and he realized exactly where he was.

A loud, rumbling flatulence erupted nearby, and Seamus attention was drawn to that of a tall, pasty white form barely visible sitting in a stall that appeared to have just had its door blown off.

“If I get my hands on whomever you are before I can get out of this stall,” began the voice of Professor Snape, “I will personally make sure you are expelled from Hogwarts within the hour.”

Seamus took off at a run, not even thinking about using his wand in his urgency to not only continue his schooling, but also to keep his record clean of ever seeing any of his professor’s bare genitalia. He managed to somehow keep up the pace from the dungeons clear up to Gryffindor Tower, only stopping in exhaustion when he could drop into a wingback chair near the common room’s fireplace. Trying to decide between going back to bed for the day or attempting to rejoin his classmates after he caught his breath, he finally decided to risk heading out into the halls.

They were mostly empty at this point as the current class period hadn’t finished, and soon Seamus found his feet leading him to the library. Why he couldn’t say, but he figured if nothing else he could look for anything that might have something to say about floo powder and wands.

He pulled a couple books from the shelves and sat down to flip through them before he heard a voice behind him.

“Oi, leprechaun boy! Couldn’t figure out how to make yourself disappear properly?”

Looking up, Seamus could see a familiar blonde flanked by his two dim-witted lackeys.

“Feck off, Malfoy. I’m not in the mood for this.”

“No, not until I get to see your wee wittle wandy try and do a spell. Well, go on then. I’m not leaving until you do.”

“Fine you. Anything to get you to wind your neck in.”

Seamus stood up abruptly, knocking books on to the floor in a messy heap as he drew his wand and aimed it at Malfoy’s face. The already pale teen turned even whiter as he realized what he had just done, but Seamus was already speaking before he could react.

“ _Locomotor Wibbly_ ,” he shouted, hoping he could somehow get out of the impending trouble he would probably get into for this.

Malfoy’s legs collapsed beneath him even as the library disappeared, fading into a room that while he had never been in, he was quite certain was the headmaster’s office. There was a obscenely large desk, a huge wall covered in rather dull looking portraits of old people, and a scarlet Phoenix on a perch. But what mostly made Seamus think it was the headmaster’s office was the piercing blue eyes that had been on him since they appeared in the room. And they did not look happy.

With a wave of his wand Professor Dumbledore silently dismissed the curse on Malfoy’s legs before turning to address them.

“And to what pleasure do I owe having the two of you appear suddenly in my office?”

“It’s Finnegan, sir!” accused Malfoy as he pointed to Seamus. “He cast a rotten spell on me with that ridiculous wand of his and teleported us here!”

“Is this true, Mister Finnegan?”

“Technically, but this eejit egged me on, sir. He wouldn’t leave me alone until I cast something.”

“I see. Mister Malfoy, you may head back to wherever you came from.”

Malfoy wasted no time in heading out in a sprint, leaving Seamus to face his fate alone.

“So your loaner wand isn’t working so well for you I see, Mister Finnegan. I will have to send Garrick an owl today about getting some better quality ones instead of these free ones he selected for us. Professor McGonagall had informed me that there was only one that worked for you, but seemed to have a few issues. I’m afraid I will still need to doc you ten points for jinxing another student, regardless of the reasons though I will write you a note excusing you from the rest of your classes until a proper replacement wand is acquired. I will advise strongly against using your current one in the meantime. You may go.”

Seamus nodded before heading for the door. He was on his way to nowhere in particular thinking about all of the things he enjoyed and that he would now have plenty of time to do while awaiting a new wand. He was so engrossed in thinking of the things he loved that he missed one of the trick steps on the staircase, reflexively waving the wand in his hand and cursing “ _Molliare_ ” under his breath as he started to lose his balance.

Instead of crashing down face first in the stair ahead of them, Seamus found himself being caught by a pair of strong brown arms.

“Easy, Seamus, are you okay? We’ve been worried sick about you.”

He blinked before realizing that he was back in his dorm room with Dean holding him up, a concerned look in his brown eyes that stung Seamus to see.

“I’m fine, but I think I’m done with this wand. Professor Dumbledore is giving me a pass on my classwork until I can get another one.”

“Professor Dumbledore? When did you see him? And where have you been, we've been looking all over for you."

“It’s a long story, but if you’d like to sit by the fire I’ll tell you all about it, yeah?”

After they had gone downstairs and Seamus began recalling his story by the twinkling firelight, it took him a few minutes to realize what his wand had already known. This, right here, spending time with Dean was the one thing in the world he would love to do most, and this was exactly where he wanted to be more than anywhere else in the world.

**Author's Note:**

> Y'all, thanks for reading this. It was my first time writing Seamus and I had a blast doing it. This was also my first crack fic, and I could not have written it with a better group. Check out the other works in this fest, I've got two more in there and I know the rest are beyond hilarious as well, and I hope you have a wonderful day.


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